I Don't Hate You, I Just Feel Indifferent About You

"I don't hate you. I just feel indifferent about you."

There's something about that word indifferent.

I remember rereading the text over and over.

Indifferent. Indifferent. Indifferent.

Even years later, when I hear or read that word I sense a familiar sting.

Nobody has ever told me they felt that way about me before. A first.

I didn't know a best friend could break your heart. Another first.

A best friend is the perfect person to break your heart.

My favorite thing about our friendship was how much we laughed together.

Part of me believes my laughter was born in that friendship.

Part of me believes my laughter died in that friendship.

I know this isn't true.

I've laughed before and many times after, but not in the same way.

I don't laugh like that anymore.

I think I was at my happiest and the most myself in that friendship.

I think I was at my unhappiest and the least myself in that friendship.

So when it ended, it really fucked me up.

You don't abandon your best friend.

It's part of the unspoken and spoken rules.

A person can break all the rules.

Anyone in your life can choose to walk away.

I wish I could say something like people grow apart, not all friendships are meant to last, or it's part of growing up and believe in the words.

They're true, but remove an agency that feels crucial.

A person can spend over a decade in your life and still decide to leave.

A person can become your family and still decide to leave.

A person can become an expert on you and still decide to leave.

A person can know your fear of being abandoned and still decide to leave.

Every once in a while a thought creeps in:

Who else will grow to feel indifferent about me and decide to leave?